I’ve been married for a mere 3 years, and since then have been a key figure in a house- as in, being one of the the responsible ones. There is something I didn’t realise however when I got married. And I need you all to know this if you are getting married, or taking on being responsible in a house.

Signing my marriage certificate was also signing an invisible contract saying that I should also know about all things DIY.

The same goes for any contract of house ownership that you sign.

But the problem is, I don’t know all things DIY. Infact, I know basically nothing. And I mean nothing. Things show up or happen in my house that I literally have no idea what to do with. I’d like to show you some photos of various things I’ve encountered in my house and have no idea what they are, or how to deal with them. I’d like to make a guess to say that most of us are in the same boat as me, whether married or single or whatever. If you live in a house and take some kind of responsibility in making sure it stays upright then you will relate to this. If you are not in this position, then please take this as a word of friendly warning from me, watch out for the following things:

1. Cracks. Are they dangerous? Will my ceiling collapse? I know I can’t ask a plumber about them, but who do I ask?! A crack man? Sounds like something to do with narcotics rather than an expert telling me if the house will fall down or not.

2. Wet patches on the ceiling. OK I kinda had to figure this one out quick before the house collapsed, but it took me a while, and weeks layer I’m just hoping it’s sorted itself out.

3. Mould. When our bread gets mouldy I just chuck it out. I can’t do that with a corner of a room. So I’m stuck.

4. Random Indoors Condensation. Do we need more heat in the house? Or less? Or thicker curtains? Or has somebody been chucking water around our house in the middle of the night while we sleep?

5. Bleeding Radiators. That’s an action to do, as well as what I say when they make weird noises. But this task does sound incredibly manly, if only I knew how to do it effectively, and the reason for doing it.

6. Doors that don’t open. Do you scrape away the ‘extra’ wood? Or Barge it open everytime you use it? Last year I broke open our front door with my shoulder and smashed the lock up. Not so great when you’re hoping for a secure house. Oops.

Until I get techy enough to know how to embed vines – click here to see this in action in my life:
7. This Thing. I have no idea what it is, but life is continuing whilst it’s around, so it must have some kind of purpose?!

8. Random Cables & plugs. So many wires. So much fear to throw any of them away. They’ll be useful one day. Maybe.

9. That On/Off Switch. We’ve all got one in our houses, hidden away in the darkness of a mysterious cupboard. But what does it do? It has something to do with electrics I know that. Will the house blow up if I flick it? This looks as simple as a child’s toy, but will be as destructive as a petrol bomb if used incorrectly.

10. Fear-Inducing Plastic ‘Bits’. I have this extra plastic bit after a kitchen appliance was installed. The installer said nothing about it. I’d better keep it just in case. **Proceed to stick it in a drawer for 20 years holding an irrational fear of throwing it away.**

Oh DIY, how I loathe thee, but you are cheaper than those people who come round and sort stuff out in 5 minutes yet charge £80 for the privilege.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

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